After class had ended tonight, I have never felt so down in my law school life. Because it was almost 10pm, the halls are very bare. I liked the silence though. I always did. But it was a little different tonight. The silence made me feel really lonesome. And often, when it comes to matters of school, I never really felt that depressed.
Today was our oral exams in a subject called Evidence. Each student was asked to go up front and draw a number from a small Nokia cell phone box. The number is given to the professor; and he reads from his list a question that we should be able to answer. Whether or not the student is able to answer, s/he is told to draw another number from said box. If the student answers the first question satisfactorily, s/he needs only to answer the second question the same way to be able to end her/his turn; otherwise, the student is given another chance to draw another number so that s/he may redeem herself. For students who were not able to answer two questions, they were asked to go back to their seats and wait. I was one of the students who were not able to answer both questions and was asked to go back to my seat and wait.
There were fourteen of us left after the professor had told the others to leave the room. He began another round of that same process; and we were narrowed down to eight. And then, two. I could tell that our professor was tired and disappointed. And at that point, I don’t blame him. I was disappointed too. He insisted on continuing with that same process because the other student and myself were not getting any answers right at all. It was almost embarrassing. It was a good thing that the rest of the class were told to leave. Finally, I got a right answer. It was pathetic because the question was the easiest one in the book. I almost wanted to kill myself from embarrassment because I ended up in that situation. But, really, who was to blame? Only me.
I was the first to admit (and perhaps the only one) that I didn’t study. The professor asked why. I didn’t answer the question. Instead, I said that, “I didn’t study the way I should have.” Although it was not the correct response, it was the truth. I did study, but not in a way that I was expected of me to. I took that oral exam very lightly. Now that I think about it, I didn’t really know what I was thinking when I put off studying for it. I remember that one of my classmates made a comment about how I was very calm, whereas they were all panicking. This was about three or four days ago prior to this day. I told her I was worried too. What I didn’t tell her was that I didn’t give a damn.
I don’t know why, but I was never as worried about it as they were. Perhaps it was because I’m in this crisis where I am quite confused and uncertain about being in law school. For the past few weeks this thought of getting out of law school has been nagging me. I didn’t go to class. I didn’t study my lessons. I just stopped caring about whatever the consequences of my irresponsible actions will be. And then I figured that since I don’t know what to do, really, with my life, it would be stupid if I quit law school now. So, I have decided to stay. Stay as long as I can. Stay until all the life has been sucked out of me by this institution. It’s not very inspiring, I know; but this is the right thing to do. Being a lawyer may not be my real dream, but I’m on a road that is going somewhere. I think I’ll just wing this out until I find the right road that I really want to travel.
The thing is, after that episode in my life, after I have resolved what to do, I find myself facing the consequences of my actions. I am overwhelmed by the things that I have taken for granted. Now, I feel like I’m in a race for my life. I have to get back on track, I keep repeating in my head. And the perfect wake up call is the event that had transpired today.
The truth is, I’m not really one who is vying to be on top of the list. But I have never been this pathetic, I think, in school. I feel depressed at the thought that many of the students who were in the first batch to leave were no better than I am. Some of them used to be worse than me in other subjects, I remember. And yet, they were let out early and I was warned that in case of doubt, I will fail. It was unbelievable, but not really.
As I commuted home, I had some time to think things over. I wanted to wallow in my sorrow as a result of a very poor performance in class tonight, but I quickly realized that wallowing will not help me improve. I began to imagine myself getting a very good grade in my finals. So good that I completely redeemed myself: in my own satisfaction and in the eyes of my classmates and professor. Not that I want to gloat or anything like that. I want to be an inspiration to the students who are next in line for that class.
The thing is, dreaming big is not enough. It takes a lot of hard work for me to achieve that goal. I don’t know why, but instead of being inspired, suddenly I feel hopeless. I feel like no amount of studying is enough for me to pass this subject. I am so pathetic. How fast it was for the good things to pass. Not a moment too soon as I was having that fantasy and aspiration of making it in this class and being a model for future students, that a goblin of negative thoughts came rushing in and swallowing whatever hope I had left at the time.
I wanted to write this and be able to end with a moral to the story, but now, I don’t know what moral lessons I could give. Maybe because there are none. Maybe because the success story has yet to pass. Maybe because there will be no success story after all.
After everything, I only know one thing for sure: I won’t know if I could achieve something unless I try and work hard to get it. Who knows, I might actually make a big splash on the night of the final exam.
