Touchstone of Acceptance

A statement written in secret by an anonymous girl (I would assume). Originally printed in a Starbucks napkin. Too beautiful to be thrown away. It's a sad story of friendship and acceptance. I'm putting it here as it was written in the napkin: in tag-lish. (I just made up the title because there was no title in the original).

"Ang hirap intindihin ng taong ayaw mag-reach out sayo. Sobra sobra ba yung hinihingi ko? Gusto ko lang maintindihan sya. Sana tulungan nya naman ako. Wala naman ako sigurong hinihingi na di nya kaya ibigay.

"I know parang hindi totoo, pero wala naman akong agenda eh. Special ang attention na binibigay ko sa kanya kasi gusto ko yung ugali nya. Pero minsan parang hindi ko gusto. Ang hirap nya kasi ma-gets.

"Iniisip ko ngayon kung ganito rin kaya kahirap maki-relate kay J noon? Alam ko magkaiba sila, pero bakit si J na-gets ko? Bakit sya ngayon hindi ko ma-gets?

"Baka naman time lang ang kailangan. Time na hindi ko naman mahingi at hindi nya rin naman maibigay. Kung time ang kailangan, time ang hindi namin makukuha. Ang lungkot naman yata nun. Kasi ang dating parang walang chance na maging tight itong friendship na ito.

"Baka nafi-feel nya na kakaiba yung treatment ko sa kanya, at pakiramdam nya may gusto ako sa kanya. At para hindi ako mag-fall sa kanya ay iniiwasan nya ako this way. If so, then I guess hindi nga talaga worthwhile itong friendship na ito. At hindi ko nga talaga siguro sya friend.

"Sabi ni J dati, kung talagang friend ang turing sa akin ng isang tao, hindi sya mag-aasume ng anything negative about my actions. Dapat naiintindihan nya na lang yun. Pero feeling ko ngayon, sya, nami-misinterpret nya lahat na parang may gusto ako mangyari.

"Wala akong gustong mangyari. Gusto ko lang tanggapin nya yung friendship na binibigay ko sa kanya. Yun lang. Na sana, wag nya ako i-push away, kasi alam ko at kampante ako na kahit ganito ako, na parang hindi nya ako maipagmalakit na kaibigan nya, ibang klase akong kaibigan. At ako lang ang kaibigan nyang ganito. That is, kung makita nya lang sana yun.

"Pero hindi nya makita. Ayaw nya nga yata tingnan eh. The fact that hindi nya kayang i-open up yung sarili nya sa idea na I'm going the distance trying to make him feel special says a lot about how he sees me in his life.

"Palagay ko natatakot sya na mag-fall talaga ako sa kanya. I wish there's a way to tell him na hindi ako ganun, para hindi sya mag-pull away. But then again, maybe he's simply not worth it.

"I want him to be worthy, pero wala na sa kamay ko yun kung worthy sya or not. At kung hindi, sayang naman.

"Parang ang yabang pakinggan, pero alam ko ang self-worth ko. By this time, hindi na option ang low self-esteem. At hindi bababa ang tingin ko sa sarili ko dahil lang hindi ako ma-appreciate ng ibang tao.

"I don't feel bad na hindi nya ako kayang tanggapin. I feel bad for him kasi ayaw nyang ma-effort na tanggapin ako. I could have been the best friend he could ever have. Siguro lang mababa na talaga ang standards ng best ngayon."

Ang lupit noh? ;p

Big Splash!

I have quite a lot of things going on with me since I last wrote an entry for this blog, but I can't seem to get that urge/inspiration/drive to share it. That ends today. Remember that last entry? Scroll down and scan it if you don't. I said, "I just might make a big splash..."

Guess what... apparently, I DID!!!!

The final grade for that particular subject was released just this wednesday. It was very late, but that wasn't really surprising because this professor had a reputation of submitting grades at a very very VERY late time. In fact, we were all expecting to get our grades at the beginning of the next semester.

When a friend told me (through text message) that grades had already been released, I didn't know how to react. I was excited and worried at the same time. I had worked hard and prayed even harder just to pass, but I was scared that all that might not be enough, because I know that sometimes, we don't always get what we ask for.

When the lady in the Records Section told me my grade, I couldn't believe my ears. I had to ask her to repeat it. Even after that, I still couldn't believe it. I got an 84. This may not be that high to many people, but after what happened to me, all I was hoping for was to get a 75.

When I told my friends about this, one of them said that I was the exception to the rule. I asked her which rule... She explained: "Remember how the only people who ever flunked his (the professor's ) class are those who leave that room last? (Referring to the oral exam) You left the room last, but you ended up getting one of the higher grades."

I thought it over, and she was right. I kept telling them how surprised I was and they kept saying that I must have done a very good job with my finals. Now, I think, may be I really have.

I set a goal and it worked... I did it.

Now, I have a new set of goals... this could be a long shot... but I don't care. I'm reaching those goals and I'm sticking to my plans.

It's a brand new day! Brand new chance to do something better! It's going to be a tough road, but I don't think I have ever been this excited to work hard! I think this is going to be a good school year.

I really think that.

Drawing Lots

After class had ended tonight, I have never felt so down in my law school life. Because it was almost 10pm, the halls are very bare. I liked the silence though. I always did. But it was a little different tonight. The silence made me feel really lonesome. And often, when it comes to matters of school, I never really felt that depressed.

Today was our oral exams in a subject called Evidence. Each student was asked to go up front and draw a number from a small Nokia cell phone box. The number is given to the professor; and he reads from his list a question that we should be able to answer. Whether or not the student is able to answer, s/he is told to draw another number from said box. If the student answers the first question satisfactorily, s/he needs only to answer the second question the same way to be able to end her/his turn; otherwise, the student is given another chance to draw another number so that s/he may redeem herself. For students who were not able to answer two questions, they were asked to go back to their seats and wait. I was one of the students who were not able to answer both questions and was asked to go back to my seat and wait.

There were fourteen of us left after the professor had told the others to leave the room. He began another round of that same process; and we were narrowed down to eight. And then, two. I could tell that our professor was tired and disappointed. And at that point, I don’t blame him. I was disappointed too. He insisted on continuing with that same process because the other student and myself were not getting any answers right at all. It was almost embarrassing. It was a good thing that the rest of the class were told to leave. Finally, I got a right answer. It was pathetic because the question was the easiest one in the book. I almost wanted to kill myself from embarrassment because I ended up in that situation. But, really, who was to blame? Only me.

I was the first to admit (and perhaps the only one) that I didn’t study. The professor asked why. I didn’t answer the question. Instead, I said that, “I didn’t study the way I should have.” Although it was not the correct response, it was the truth. I did study, but not in a way that I was expected of me to. I took that oral exam very lightly. Now that I think about it, I didn’t really know what I was thinking when I put off studying for it. I remember that one of my classmates made a comment about how I was very calm, whereas they were all panicking. This was about three or four days ago prior to this day. I told her I was worried too. What I didn’t tell her was that I didn’t give a damn.

I don’t know why, but I was never as worried about it as they were. Perhaps it was because I’m in this crisis where I am quite confused and uncertain about being in law school. For the past few weeks this thought of getting out of law school has been nagging me. I didn’t go to class. I didn’t study my lessons. I just stopped caring about whatever the consequences of my irresponsible actions will be. And then I figured that since I don’t know what to do, really, with my life, it would be stupid if I quit law school now. So, I have decided to stay. Stay as long as I can. Stay until all the life has been sucked out of me by this institution. It’s not very inspiring, I know; but this is the right thing to do. Being a lawyer may not be my real dream, but I’m on a road that is going somewhere. I think I’ll just wing this out until I find the right road that I really want to travel.

The thing is, after that episode in my life, after I have resolved what to do, I find myself facing the consequences of my actions. I am overwhelmed by the things that I have taken for granted. Now, I feel like I’m in a race for my life. I have to get back on track, I keep repeating in my head. And the perfect wake up call is the event that had transpired today.

The truth is, I’m not really one who is vying to be on top of the list. But I have never been this pathetic, I think, in school. I feel depressed at the thought that many of the students who were in the first batch to leave were no better than I am. Some of them used to be worse than me in other subjects, I remember. And yet, they were let out early and I was warned that in case of doubt, I will fail. It was unbelievable, but not really.

As I commuted home, I had some time to think things over. I wanted to wallow in my sorrow as a result of a very poor performance in class tonight, but I quickly realized that wallowing will not help me improve. I began to imagine myself getting a very good grade in my finals. So good that I completely redeemed myself: in my own satisfaction and in the eyes of my classmates and professor. Not that I want to gloat or anything like that. I want to be an inspiration to the students who are next in line for that class.

The thing is, dreaming big is not enough. It takes a lot of hard work for me to achieve that goal. I don’t know why, but instead of being inspired, suddenly I feel hopeless. I feel like no amount of studying is enough for me to pass this subject. I am so pathetic. How fast it was for the good things to pass. Not a moment too soon as I was having that fantasy and aspiration of making it in this class and being a model for future students, that a goblin of negative thoughts came rushing in and swallowing whatever hope I had left at the time.

I wanted to write this and be able to end with a moral to the story, but now, I don’t know what moral lessons I could give. Maybe because there are none. Maybe because the success story has yet to pass. Maybe because there will be no success story after all.

After everything, I only know one thing for sure: I won’t know if I could achieve something unless I try and work hard to get it. Who knows, I might actually make a big splash on the night of the final exam.

Time To Cut My Losses

Some people when they gamble, they get so hooked with the game that they often forget when to stop. Usually, this is because they have experienced substantial winnings in the course of it. However, some people are hooked not because they're winning; but rather, because they want to win.

For the past few weeks, I gambled and tried to make something out of nothing. The whole experience was making my heart pump and my blood rush. It was exhilerating, actually. The waiting wasn't even tiring... I was absolutely looking forward to whatever is coming. The whole time, I just wanted it to come. I wanted anything to come: good results, bad results... anything.

But in gambling, a person has to know when it is time to cut his losses. And for me, it is time. I have to stop.

I feel disappointed because nothing happened; I was neither accepted nor rejected. I came out of the experience completely safe; and I think that's horrible. I'd really rather be scarred when I walk of it than have nothing at all. But apparently, the universe, or whatever or whomever's hands are making things turn, decided that I can't be broken at this time. (Because I think I was destined to be broken for this particular endeavor).

The point is, I get the message. I guess I already knew it before, I was just too stubborn to take it in.

So, I did invite him in Friendster, right? He didn't accept. I don't think he even looked at my profile. The reason, of course, is unknown to me. But a couple of days of nothing made me realize that this is the end of the line. I should cut my losses and get out of the building (you know, figuratively speaking). So I cancelled the invite.

I just feel kind of sad because it was such an elaborate plan just to get to talk to him. I've never done anything so bold and forward in my life... and with this, I psyched myself up... I was ready... for anything. Still, the opportunity never came. But, you know, I'm sure there's a lot more to come. It was fun--this whole thing. But it's time to move on.

Off The Cliff

After much pondering, questioning, doubting, and asking for advice, I finally did it. I took the plunge off the cliff. I simply jumped off without any regard whatsoever as to what the consequences would be.

I took my time to think about what to do, how to do it and how to react when the time comes--and I think it was pretty obvious from my recent entries here. I tried to look at all possibilities; as in ALL.

Just yesterday, I think, I began to think that he might be gay. Okay. Calm your senses. Let me explain why.

During our conversation, he shook my hand 3 times total. The thing is... all of them were weak. I mean, I expected him to give me a firm handshake, as I had experienced with guys before. In fact, I think I squeezed his hand quite hard, expecting that he would be doing the same thing to me. I was really quite surprised when he gave me that weak handshake. I really didn't see it coming. The second time he offered his hand, I figured that we could try again. So I gave him the same firm shake I earlier did; and he gave me that weak shake that he earlier did. The third time, I just gave up and held his hand.

Okay, now, I know it's a very shallow basis to think of someone as gay. But you know, there's always that possibility right? Even if he did give me a firm handshake, he could still be gay.

A good friend told me that even if things don't go the way I planned them to, in that we don't get to be together, I should keep in mind that because of what he said and how he said it... that I am attractive and very likeable. It's an ego-booster if everything else don't work out. And I figured that she's right... and I love the idea of it.

So, if it happens that he actually is gay... then the whole "I like you" line changes completely. I mean, it'll mean differently now. Because the whole time, I was thinking that it's something romantic, you know? And then if he's gay, then the romantic thing will inevitably crumble down.
Along with my ego...

And then, there's still that lingering thought that it was indeed a sweet gesture that he did, but it doesn't mean anything! It was just because he was being polite.

So anyway, after making myself go crazy and pre-occupied with this whole thing of wanting to find out if there could be something between us, I just went ahead and took my chance. After all, this could be my last shot to do this. I made a Friendster account... and I invited him--just tonight.

I know there's a bigger probability that things might get ugly and I'll get really hurt... but what's life if there aren't any hearts broken and tears flowing? What's life if there's no disappointment and devastation? What's life if there's no rejection and embarrassment? Why... that's not life at all.

Moment of Truth

Well, I'm right. He didn't accept my friend's invitation to be added as her friend in Friendster. It's kinda disappointing; which I really don't have any right to feel.

I know I shouldn't be expecting at all... and believe me, I'm trying so hard not to... but the truth is, I want things to be perfect--in that, he's thinking about me the way I'm thinking about him. And it really really sucks because from experience, the guys I like and the guys that I hope like me the same way, don't. And I really like this guy.

To my mind, it's totally insane. I mean, I don't know anything about him--and yet, I get this "thing" for him. It's ridiculous!

Now, I'm not completely clueless with regard to this whole thing. I know what to do... and I know how to handle it in case things don't go the way I really want it to. But come on, like I said in the description of this blog... "I'm human"; and I think it's normal for me to want good things to happen to me.

Here's something even more crazy...

Another friend of mine (not the one who tried to add the guy in her list of friends in friendster) suggested that I make my own friendster account and then I'll be the one to invite him. Okay... the thing is... I've never made a friendster account--ever! Even my very best friends weren't able to make me. At this point, the reason for that is not really that essential. What's important is my decision to make one right now just so I could try to find closure for this whole episode. I just need to know if he remembers me, right? If he saw my face, would he know me? If I invite him to be my friend, would he accept? Because if he does accept, then it could mean that he does remember me. If he does not accept, then he doesn't remember me (or even if he does remember me, he doesn't care). The illusion ends as easy as that... then maybe I could move on with my life.

I have a window of opportunity to get the answers I've been trying so hard to get. The question is, will I take advantage of it? Because when I come to think of it, maybe this is the only chance I'll ever have to know for sure. On the other hand... am I going too far with this? Should I throw in the towel? I mean, after all, I already did make an effort before... and that did not result to anything. Maybe that's the answer right there.

Untitled Part 2

I forgot to include in my last entry that the guy has all my contact information. And the thing is, I have always thought that if he did like me enough, he'd make the move. I mean, after all, there's not much stopping him. He has everything he needs. But, he never did call me... about anything.

So now, i guess maybe, what I had was nothing more than hollow assumptions, right?

Then again, it also is possible that he has that professional integrity not to use his position to contact some girl.

My God! I'm just getting so twisted in this whole thing.

A very good friend of mine tried to contact him by adding him to her friendster. I don't think he'll respond though. He seems to be a very private person. Enough that he doesn't even want outsiders messaging him.

This is getting really difficult. I'm beginning to think that this much effort is not even worth it. I know I have the backing of my best friends, and I'm so glad. But I'm just scared that I'm wasting their time with this.

I think I'm getting obsessed over nothing. Parang di ko na kaya rin eh... Ewan ko ba, pinanghihinaan ako ng loob.