Off The Cliff

After much pondering, questioning, doubting, and asking for advice, I finally did it. I took the plunge off the cliff. I simply jumped off without any regard whatsoever as to what the consequences would be.

I took my time to think about what to do, how to do it and how to react when the time comes--and I think it was pretty obvious from my recent entries here. I tried to look at all possibilities; as in ALL.

Just yesterday, I think, I began to think that he might be gay. Okay. Calm your senses. Let me explain why.

During our conversation, he shook my hand 3 times total. The thing is... all of them were weak. I mean, I expected him to give me a firm handshake, as I had experienced with guys before. In fact, I think I squeezed his hand quite hard, expecting that he would be doing the same thing to me. I was really quite surprised when he gave me that weak handshake. I really didn't see it coming. The second time he offered his hand, I figured that we could try again. So I gave him the same firm shake I earlier did; and he gave me that weak shake that he earlier did. The third time, I just gave up and held his hand.

Okay, now, I know it's a very shallow basis to think of someone as gay. But you know, there's always that possibility right? Even if he did give me a firm handshake, he could still be gay.

A good friend told me that even if things don't go the way I planned them to, in that we don't get to be together, I should keep in mind that because of what he said and how he said it... that I am attractive and very likeable. It's an ego-booster if everything else don't work out. And I figured that she's right... and I love the idea of it.

So, if it happens that he actually is gay... then the whole "I like you" line changes completely. I mean, it'll mean differently now. Because the whole time, I was thinking that it's something romantic, you know? And then if he's gay, then the romantic thing will inevitably crumble down.
Along with my ego...

And then, there's still that lingering thought that it was indeed a sweet gesture that he did, but it doesn't mean anything! It was just because he was being polite.

So anyway, after making myself go crazy and pre-occupied with this whole thing of wanting to find out if there could be something between us, I just went ahead and took my chance. After all, this could be my last shot to do this. I made a Friendster account... and I invited him--just tonight.

I know there's a bigger probability that things might get ugly and I'll get really hurt... but what's life if there aren't any hearts broken and tears flowing? What's life if there's no disappointment and devastation? What's life if there's no rejection and embarrassment? Why... that's not life at all.