Time To Cut My Losses

Some people when they gamble, they get so hooked with the game that they often forget when to stop. Usually, this is because they have experienced substantial winnings in the course of it. However, some people are hooked not because they're winning; but rather, because they want to win.

For the past few weeks, I gambled and tried to make something out of nothing. The whole experience was making my heart pump and my blood rush. It was exhilerating, actually. The waiting wasn't even tiring... I was absolutely looking forward to whatever is coming. The whole time, I just wanted it to come. I wanted anything to come: good results, bad results... anything.

But in gambling, a person has to know when it is time to cut his losses. And for me, it is time. I have to stop.

I feel disappointed because nothing happened; I was neither accepted nor rejected. I came out of the experience completely safe; and I think that's horrible. I'd really rather be scarred when I walk of it than have nothing at all. But apparently, the universe, or whatever or whomever's hands are making things turn, decided that I can't be broken at this time. (Because I think I was destined to be broken for this particular endeavor).

The point is, I get the message. I guess I already knew it before, I was just too stubborn to take it in.

So, I did invite him in Friendster, right? He didn't accept. I don't think he even looked at my profile. The reason, of course, is unknown to me. But a couple of days of nothing made me realize that this is the end of the line. I should cut my losses and get out of the building (you know, figuratively speaking). So I cancelled the invite.

I just feel kind of sad because it was such an elaborate plan just to get to talk to him. I've never done anything so bold and forward in my life... and with this, I psyched myself up... I was ready... for anything. Still, the opportunity never came. But, you know, I'm sure there's a lot more to come. It was fun--this whole thing. But it's time to move on.

Off The Cliff

After much pondering, questioning, doubting, and asking for advice, I finally did it. I took the plunge off the cliff. I simply jumped off without any regard whatsoever as to what the consequences would be.

I took my time to think about what to do, how to do it and how to react when the time comes--and I think it was pretty obvious from my recent entries here. I tried to look at all possibilities; as in ALL.

Just yesterday, I think, I began to think that he might be gay. Okay. Calm your senses. Let me explain why.

During our conversation, he shook my hand 3 times total. The thing is... all of them were weak. I mean, I expected him to give me a firm handshake, as I had experienced with guys before. In fact, I think I squeezed his hand quite hard, expecting that he would be doing the same thing to me. I was really quite surprised when he gave me that weak handshake. I really didn't see it coming. The second time he offered his hand, I figured that we could try again. So I gave him the same firm shake I earlier did; and he gave me that weak shake that he earlier did. The third time, I just gave up and held his hand.

Okay, now, I know it's a very shallow basis to think of someone as gay. But you know, there's always that possibility right? Even if he did give me a firm handshake, he could still be gay.

A good friend told me that even if things don't go the way I planned them to, in that we don't get to be together, I should keep in mind that because of what he said and how he said it... that I am attractive and very likeable. It's an ego-booster if everything else don't work out. And I figured that she's right... and I love the idea of it.

So, if it happens that he actually is gay... then the whole "I like you" line changes completely. I mean, it'll mean differently now. Because the whole time, I was thinking that it's something romantic, you know? And then if he's gay, then the romantic thing will inevitably crumble down.
Along with my ego...

And then, there's still that lingering thought that it was indeed a sweet gesture that he did, but it doesn't mean anything! It was just because he was being polite.

So anyway, after making myself go crazy and pre-occupied with this whole thing of wanting to find out if there could be something between us, I just went ahead and took my chance. After all, this could be my last shot to do this. I made a Friendster account... and I invited him--just tonight.

I know there's a bigger probability that things might get ugly and I'll get really hurt... but what's life if there aren't any hearts broken and tears flowing? What's life if there's no disappointment and devastation? What's life if there's no rejection and embarrassment? Why... that's not life at all.

Moment of Truth

Well, I'm right. He didn't accept my friend's invitation to be added as her friend in Friendster. It's kinda disappointing; which I really don't have any right to feel.

I know I shouldn't be expecting at all... and believe me, I'm trying so hard not to... but the truth is, I want things to be perfect--in that, he's thinking about me the way I'm thinking about him. And it really really sucks because from experience, the guys I like and the guys that I hope like me the same way, don't. And I really like this guy.

To my mind, it's totally insane. I mean, I don't know anything about him--and yet, I get this "thing" for him. It's ridiculous!

Now, I'm not completely clueless with regard to this whole thing. I know what to do... and I know how to handle it in case things don't go the way I really want it to. But come on, like I said in the description of this blog... "I'm human"; and I think it's normal for me to want good things to happen to me.

Here's something even more crazy...

Another friend of mine (not the one who tried to add the guy in her list of friends in friendster) suggested that I make my own friendster account and then I'll be the one to invite him. Okay... the thing is... I've never made a friendster account--ever! Even my very best friends weren't able to make me. At this point, the reason for that is not really that essential. What's important is my decision to make one right now just so I could try to find closure for this whole episode. I just need to know if he remembers me, right? If he saw my face, would he know me? If I invite him to be my friend, would he accept? Because if he does accept, then it could mean that he does remember me. If he does not accept, then he doesn't remember me (or even if he does remember me, he doesn't care). The illusion ends as easy as that... then maybe I could move on with my life.

I have a window of opportunity to get the answers I've been trying so hard to get. The question is, will I take advantage of it? Because when I come to think of it, maybe this is the only chance I'll ever have to know for sure. On the other hand... am I going too far with this? Should I throw in the towel? I mean, after all, I already did make an effort before... and that did not result to anything. Maybe that's the answer right there.

Untitled Part 2

I forgot to include in my last entry that the guy has all my contact information. And the thing is, I have always thought that if he did like me enough, he'd make the move. I mean, after all, there's not much stopping him. He has everything he needs. But, he never did call me... about anything.

So now, i guess maybe, what I had was nothing more than hollow assumptions, right?

Then again, it also is possible that he has that professional integrity not to use his position to contact some girl.

My God! I'm just getting so twisted in this whole thing.

A very good friend of mine tried to contact him by adding him to her friendster. I don't think he'll respond though. He seems to be a very private person. Enough that he doesn't even want outsiders messaging him.

This is getting really difficult. I'm beginning to think that this much effort is not even worth it. I know I have the backing of my best friends, and I'm so glad. But I'm just scared that I'm wasting their time with this.

I think I'm getting obsessed over nothing. Parang di ko na kaya rin eh... Ewan ko ba, pinanghihinaan ako ng loob.

Untitled

Dammit... I can't even think of a clever title for this particular entry.

So anyway, I felt like writing something about someone. Someone that I know practically nothing about. In fact, I just recently found out his last name. Damn, I've been obsessing about him for a month and all I knew was his nickname. I still don't know his real first name. Sigh. Oh yeah, just today, I found out his age. I tell you, this is one of the saddest things I could think of. What's even more lame is that I have his face in another window (which by the way is his Friendster pic--and I'm not even a patron of that community!). Yeah, his picture is just there. I've gone crazy, I bet.

You know, the first time I saw him (which is the only real time that I talked to him--and we were talking because it was his job to talk to me, you get the idea?), I never really cared for him. I didn't even find him attractive. Although, I have to admit, his voice made me swoon! Holy crap! I've never heard such deep and beautiful tone before. I loved it! Had I had the chance to record it, I really honestly would've... and maybe listen to it every night. Okay, that's kind of twisted. Maybe not EVERY night. Sometimes I'll listen to it in the morning. (Oh dear God, I've really gone crazy.)

But seriously though, I know this is just a crush. I know that, because I don't know him at all. He might get sudden urges of murderous rampage for all I know. Or he might not even be interested in women... what more in me. My brain is telling me that this'll all pass... like every seemingly unsurpassable "heart-related" events in my life. It's telling me that I'll let this go the same way I let go of 18, Laser, and every other crush I've ever had before (even my past big crush--yep, that animated guy who used to make really loud sound effects in the "LRT" who is now supposedly one of the US Marines). I used to waste my time thinking about those guys and how much I wanted to be with them; but eventually, I wised up and stopped dreaming. So I know this "feeling" will end the same way the others ended.

The thing is... what if... well, what if he's not just suppose to pass me by? What if this could really turn into something? I know other people who know me and who has seen me lately will think that I don't have the right to think of such--what with my whale-like appearance and all that. But that's just it. That's why I can't stop thinking of this guy--because I know that he's looking past that particular imperfection I have, something that not many guys are capable of (the same way not many girls are capable of).

During my only time of conversation with this guy, he said he liked me. Really, he just blurted it out. And at the time, I felt like it wasn't even about anything else. I mean, I felt like he said he liked me for me. Not me for this or that. Ok, I know that didn't make sense. But you have to understand that I can't expound any more than that; otherwise, everyone would know who he is--well, maybe not EVERYONE. But, just as well, I'm trying to protect something here--to be exact, me and him.

As I was saying, he said he liked me; that I'm some sort of a proof or testament as to why he likes "chubby" girls. Ok, now, I know he was being kind, because, really, I'm beyond chubby! But I just think that it was such a nice thing to say. If anything, it was really sweet. Other people might find that weird or perverse, but that's only because other people are idiotic and shallow.

It never really sunk in at the time. But when I got to the elevator right after that conversation, it felt like a ray of light descended upon me and a chorale of angels began to sing a song of awakening. By then, however, it was too late. I never had the chance to talk to him again. In fact, I could count in one hand the number of times I saw him after that. God knows that I tried so hard for us to meet again... To tell you the truth, I even gathered whatever strength I had and planned to ask him out (well, not just the two of us; with me and my girl friends). You know, I was already there. I was ready. At the time, it felt like nothing could stop me. But lo and behold, the hands of fate moved and stopped whatever I had planned to happen. The day that I was supposed to finally get the chance to talk to him again, the lady guard stationed in that office said that he went home early. Ergo, I was too late.

My friends encouraged me and told me that we'll try again tomorrow. Tomorrow came... I was excited and ready. Again, I was pulled to a screeching stop. The guard on duty (male this time) told me that he has yet to come in. I even asked if he was on leave because the day before, the lady guard told me that he went home early. Here's the best part... the guard on duty said that he didn't leave early; and that infact, he left just hours ago... at 4am.

Can you imagine how devastated I was? I think my jaw dropped slightly due to disbelief. The ray of light was sucked back into the heavens and was immediately replaced with dark clouds; and the chorale of angels backed up and was overpowered by a morose tune of the violin. If destiny and fate were playing a trick on me, they sure got me. And they got me good.

What are the odds of that? Sure, it was the lady guard's fault for giving me false information. Yeah, I could blame her because I wasn't able to get that chance. But the truth is, it's no one's fault. I kind of believe that it was simply how it was supposed to be. I went back the next morning thinking that the first try didn't work out well because I was being tested for my perseverance and courage. But after that second one... I could only assume that a higher power is telling me to simply stop. Stop trying to see him. Stop trying to talk to him. Maybe it's telling me to stop trying to think of him... that he became part of my life to do just one thing--that is, in connection with our one and only conversation--nothing more.

Then again, maybe I'm not being told to stop; rather, I'm being told to wait. Wait for the right time, for the right moment. Hence, another test of patience.

But I was given another angle to look at. What if it still is a continiung test of my perseverance. What if the third time's a charmer? What if the answer and my peace of mind could be obtained if I do one last go? Because, I'm not even expecting that we end up being together. Sure, I hope for it; but it's not something that I'm aiming for. Whatever it is that should happen will happen. And if I will be dismissed, at least I'll find closure.

Now, if you exploit your Yahoo! account as much as I do and take advantage of every free service they offer, then you'd know that Yahoo! provides its users with free Horoscopes. According to my "Weekly Romance," Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday are all about me; that I should wake up on the right side of the bed and work my magic. It said that I'm good with words and that I should use that to set matters of the heart afire. Alright, normally, I don't care for Astrology; but because of my deep confusion, I've resorted to actually considering its advice. Of course, I'm still quite wary.

You know what... let's just wait and see...