Untitled

Dammit... I can't even think of a clever title for this particular entry.

So anyway, I felt like writing something about someone. Someone that I know practically nothing about. In fact, I just recently found out his last name. Damn, I've been obsessing about him for a month and all I knew was his nickname. I still don't know his real first name. Sigh. Oh yeah, just today, I found out his age. I tell you, this is one of the saddest things I could think of. What's even more lame is that I have his face in another window (which by the way is his Friendster pic--and I'm not even a patron of that community!). Yeah, his picture is just there. I've gone crazy, I bet.

You know, the first time I saw him (which is the only real time that I talked to him--and we were talking because it was his job to talk to me, you get the idea?), I never really cared for him. I didn't even find him attractive. Although, I have to admit, his voice made me swoon! Holy crap! I've never heard such deep and beautiful tone before. I loved it! Had I had the chance to record it, I really honestly would've... and maybe listen to it every night. Okay, that's kind of twisted. Maybe not EVERY night. Sometimes I'll listen to it in the morning. (Oh dear God, I've really gone crazy.)

But seriously though, I know this is just a crush. I know that, because I don't know him at all. He might get sudden urges of murderous rampage for all I know. Or he might not even be interested in women... what more in me. My brain is telling me that this'll all pass... like every seemingly unsurpassable "heart-related" events in my life. It's telling me that I'll let this go the same way I let go of 18, Laser, and every other crush I've ever had before (even my past big crush--yep, that animated guy who used to make really loud sound effects in the "LRT" who is now supposedly one of the US Marines). I used to waste my time thinking about those guys and how much I wanted to be with them; but eventually, I wised up and stopped dreaming. So I know this "feeling" will end the same way the others ended.

The thing is... what if... well, what if he's not just suppose to pass me by? What if this could really turn into something? I know other people who know me and who has seen me lately will think that I don't have the right to think of such--what with my whale-like appearance and all that. But that's just it. That's why I can't stop thinking of this guy--because I know that he's looking past that particular imperfection I have, something that not many guys are capable of (the same way not many girls are capable of).

During my only time of conversation with this guy, he said he liked me. Really, he just blurted it out. And at the time, I felt like it wasn't even about anything else. I mean, I felt like he said he liked me for me. Not me for this or that. Ok, I know that didn't make sense. But you have to understand that I can't expound any more than that; otherwise, everyone would know who he is--well, maybe not EVERYONE. But, just as well, I'm trying to protect something here--to be exact, me and him.

As I was saying, he said he liked me; that I'm some sort of a proof or testament as to why he likes "chubby" girls. Ok, now, I know he was being kind, because, really, I'm beyond chubby! But I just think that it was such a nice thing to say. If anything, it was really sweet. Other people might find that weird or perverse, but that's only because other people are idiotic and shallow.

It never really sunk in at the time. But when I got to the elevator right after that conversation, it felt like a ray of light descended upon me and a chorale of angels began to sing a song of awakening. By then, however, it was too late. I never had the chance to talk to him again. In fact, I could count in one hand the number of times I saw him after that. God knows that I tried so hard for us to meet again... To tell you the truth, I even gathered whatever strength I had and planned to ask him out (well, not just the two of us; with me and my girl friends). You know, I was already there. I was ready. At the time, it felt like nothing could stop me. But lo and behold, the hands of fate moved and stopped whatever I had planned to happen. The day that I was supposed to finally get the chance to talk to him again, the lady guard stationed in that office said that he went home early. Ergo, I was too late.

My friends encouraged me and told me that we'll try again tomorrow. Tomorrow came... I was excited and ready. Again, I was pulled to a screeching stop. The guard on duty (male this time) told me that he has yet to come in. I even asked if he was on leave because the day before, the lady guard told me that he went home early. Here's the best part... the guard on duty said that he didn't leave early; and that infact, he left just hours ago... at 4am.

Can you imagine how devastated I was? I think my jaw dropped slightly due to disbelief. The ray of light was sucked back into the heavens and was immediately replaced with dark clouds; and the chorale of angels backed up and was overpowered by a morose tune of the violin. If destiny and fate were playing a trick on me, they sure got me. And they got me good.

What are the odds of that? Sure, it was the lady guard's fault for giving me false information. Yeah, I could blame her because I wasn't able to get that chance. But the truth is, it's no one's fault. I kind of believe that it was simply how it was supposed to be. I went back the next morning thinking that the first try didn't work out well because I was being tested for my perseverance and courage. But after that second one... I could only assume that a higher power is telling me to simply stop. Stop trying to see him. Stop trying to talk to him. Maybe it's telling me to stop trying to think of him... that he became part of my life to do just one thing--that is, in connection with our one and only conversation--nothing more.

Then again, maybe I'm not being told to stop; rather, I'm being told to wait. Wait for the right time, for the right moment. Hence, another test of patience.

But I was given another angle to look at. What if it still is a continiung test of my perseverance. What if the third time's a charmer? What if the answer and my peace of mind could be obtained if I do one last go? Because, I'm not even expecting that we end up being together. Sure, I hope for it; but it's not something that I'm aiming for. Whatever it is that should happen will happen. And if I will be dismissed, at least I'll find closure.

Now, if you exploit your Yahoo! account as much as I do and take advantage of every free service they offer, then you'd know that Yahoo! provides its users with free Horoscopes. According to my "Weekly Romance," Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday are all about me; that I should wake up on the right side of the bed and work my magic. It said that I'm good with words and that I should use that to set matters of the heart afire. Alright, normally, I don't care for Astrology; but because of my deep confusion, I've resorted to actually considering its advice. Of course, I'm still quite wary.

You know what... let's just wait and see...